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My Experience with Dark Matter by Barry Garten
11/11/2011
I've been asked to explain Dark matter to the club. My story is not too unusual. I was born on the South Bank of Jacksonville Florida.
      By the age of three I had been obsessing about the nature of Dark matter for years.
     Why do the stars in Milky-way all seem to be orbiting its center at the same speed 125 miles per second and what was holding all the galaxies together?
    By  good relativistic approximation the speeds should vary as in Kepler's Laws.
We don't see enough mass enclosed in the orbit to bend space time enough or (more simply expressed) enough mass to create the gravitational pull to hold these object in a stable orbit at their Doppler shift or radiometric determined velocities.  Basically the farther from the center of mass the slower the object should be moving.
Velocities should be proportional to the inverse of the square root of the distance from the center of mass for a stable orbit. 
     I had done a lot of soul searching for answers to this question.
     By the age of two I discarded the Modified Newtonian Dynamics theory like a diaper perplexed by this ubiquitous dark matter.
     I heard theories about (Wimps) Weakly interacting massive particles and (Machos) Massive compact halo object as candidates for dark matter.
     Further attributing this invisible mass to neutrinos seemed too much like blaming spinach for people with superpowers. (As in Popeye)
     I faced adversity when sister stole my Principles of quantum mechanics by Dirac for some kind of coloring experiment.
      But by now I was permitted to leave my play pen and go into any room in the house.
      Under the kitchen sink I discovered ammonia this with the help of a couple electrical appliances used for induction I created my first Maser.
     Could the quantum mechanical effect of the Nitrogen or other ions moving through the adiabatic approximation of the triangular shape made of hydrogens help me find dark matter?
      Perhaps dark matter exist as a probability wave and is only detectable when the wave converges.
      We never see it converge. Why? Because these waves don't converge when they are hit by high energy photons or other matter.
      But could very weak photons created by well defined probability energy states function with SU(2) symmetry cause the dark matter wave to converge.
      I tried different elements. I believed I'd converged my first drops of dark matter but had to go to the potty all by myself.
    It was there in the potty when I heard grandpa Jedediah Garten's Still explode outside the kitchen window.
    I ran to the kitchen. I saw a black mist. I could not see the floor. I was not allowed near that side of the house for almost a year. Grandpa told me the kitchen was haunted.
    I remember revenuers coming to the house that spring and Grandpa Jedediah saying, " Just go into the kitchen and I'll get you something cool to drink."
    Fifty years have passed, I recently found a contractor to fill that three hundred foot deep pit in my kitchen. The black mist has condensed into only an ounce of black goo.
    I'm still actively experimenting with it. I found that just a drop or two on my girlfriend birth control pills causes her to conceive and give birth to beautiful blue eyed children in less than three months.
    Do you think I should I should tell her? Anyway my children are very bright but they always seem to be plotting something.
 
    I will keep the club updated as to my further research.

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