The League Of Extraordinary Chess Players
Feb 25 2002 Escaped Super-intelligent Capybara
Strange News from the Jax Chess News
The Queens Gambit Declined Slav Defense 1.d4 d5 2.c4 c6
End Game Lesson
Opening Lesson 1
Opening Lesson 2
Opening Lesson 3
Opening Lesson 4
Opening Lesson 5
Opening Lesson 6
Opening Lesson 7
Jacques Meises Dutch defence 1. d4 f5 2. g3 b6
The Staunton Gambit 1.d4 f5 2.e4
Scholastic pictures and crosstables


Escaped Super-intelligent Capybara

Strange Chess News by Bradley Zang

 Sightings of strange looking people playing chess in Jacksonville Parks at night may be escaped Capybara. Chess Playing has become so popular in, Hemming Plaza Park that Amy Crockett from the city of Jacksonville's consulting firm Downtown Vision, Inc. website has contacted the Jacksonville Chess Club offering to promote this activity. They want to build chess tables. Members of The Jacksonville Chess Club and its sister clubs the Orange Park Chess Club (OPCC) and St. Mary's Chess Club (SMCC) got all excited by this. Ellen Jones a long time chess member of the St. Marys Chess Club went to join on the fun at Hemming Plaza Park.

 She say's these alleged people, "Run away on four legs when others approach." She also claims to have gotten close enough to see, "one of them grab a chess board and pieces" but not close enough to tell more than that, "they seemed naked and were aesthetically challenged. Very aesthetically challenged! I wouldn't date either of them even if they had money and I'm not a shallow person. "

Bill Thomas a chess player from the OPCC says, "They looked like giant Rodents but admits his eyesight has been fading in the past few years."

 Danny Jero an OPCC director at large, claimed "they looked like giant hamsters but they didn't have tails so I don't believe they were."

 Rumors abound in Jacksonville about a secret quasi governmental agency's experiment to increase rodent intelligence. It involves chess at the zoo.

 Robert Hersch, vice president of the St. Marys Chess Club, has been trying to follow the money trail for super intelligent chess playing rodent research for years. He claims Radical elements within FIDE, Disney Corp, the Malaysian National Security Agency and the U.S. Gov't Free Cheese Program seem to be behind much of this research but admits until the Swiss are more open with bank account information much of his work is speculation.

Here is how I would paraphrase the chronology of events as he told it to me.

 Hoping to make chess playing rodents history was made with gene splicing at Princeton University in Nov of 1999. Biologists there reported to have created a super intelligent mouse by inserting an extra dollop of the brain receptor gene NR2B, but, still this mouse only played with mazes.

 Then came the stem cell research!!! (It should be pointed out that stem cells are special cells that give rise to all other cells in our body.

Their study may someday lead to cures for all types of diseases' but the ethical question of harvesting them from human embryonic and fetal tissue < the best source> are quite troubling. Worse recent creation of a kidney from the stem cells of cloned cow embryo makes me admire the ostrich who can hide his head in the ground and make the world go away. )

Anyway next came a University of Chicago project in April of 2001. Hoping to create a chess playing rodent and find some insight to Neurogenerative diseases (ie Alzheimer and Parkinson's) biologists there implanted human neural stem cells in the brains of Rats. They reported dramatic improvement in the rats cognitive abilities. Of course brain size is an important factor so these Rats just run around in mazes doing as much thinking as checker players.

Now comes the Jacksonville Zoo incident on June 28 2001. Rumors abound in Jacksonville, Orange Park Florida and St. Marys Georgia about a secret quasi government experiment on two Capybaras ( a 250 pound Rodent native to South America) with a very large brain.

 These super large brain rodents were subjected to human neural stem cell implants. After the procedure they were taught to play chess.

 Unfortunately, we believe because of an inadvertent mention about breeding Carybara as a source of food for the St Augustine Alligator Farm by visiting zoologists both Carpabara escaped.

 Gerald Sohns President of the Orange Park Chess Club say's "Nonsense! You can not feed live rodents to snakes in the Reptile exhibit when the Capaybara exhibit is so close. That's what did it! They are not going to trust you!!" .

 The Jacksonville Zoo tried to reassure all Northeastern Floridians by telling us these giant rodents are vegetarians. (Of course humans are omnivorous. Lets hope the Rodent brain cells control food taste.) Other zoologists claim the Capybara should thrive in our climate! Of course when they, reproduce their offspring will have normal Carpaybara brains.

 Now comes the summit, a study at the University of Chicago where they systematically compare sequences and _expression patterns of brain related genes between Human and Non human primates. This research has given scientists enough gene chemistry information to create the genes needed for a Human Type brain in the Capybara.

Veternarian Gregory Wisanski says he's not surprised the chess playing Capybara are smart enough to escape! He claims "stem cell research, Transgeneses (inter-specie genetic spicing ) and microinjection techniques of extra brain gene dollops have progressed to the point where we can now produce a Rodent that can play grand master level chess." He claims while Walt Disney's dream of creating a talking mouse is just around the corner, the Capybary that play's a very strong game of chess and can reproduce this trait is in the immediate future. Gregory hopes to do this on his farm in Gdansk Poland soon. Perhaps the first offspring will be born in September of next year.

I asked Gregory who wears his hat with pride as President of the Gdansk Rubenstein Chess Club, " Is this really going to help the Chess Community?" Gregory retorted, " Don't talk to me in that mocking tone! Look at the possibility for intelligence gathering search and rescue. They could be trained to find certain medicinal plants in the Rain Forests of South America. They love to frolic in water. We could put them to work checking rivers and wet-lands for environmental damage from development effluents. They could be the Rotary Clubs Rodent Buddys. The opportunities are endless. Chess is only one way mankind will benefit. We could train armies of rodents to spy on our enemies searching for them in or sewers, tunnels, and swamps." I asked, "You mean Afghanistan?" Gregory loudly said, " Not in Afghanistan, it maybe too cold but certainly Malaysia. No one complained that placing spider web gene ADD-3 an evolutionary adaption 300 million years old, in goats was a problem. Let me tell you goats will eat anything tied down, and now they can tie you down with a rope stronger than steel. You don't use that ridiculous argument against that research."

 I apologized for my offensive tone. I then asked who was funding his experiment? He refused comment. Now here is the latest Update to our story: It was recently reported that after a massive Capybara man hunt, one of the animals went to turn himself in but an errant car eliminated any chance of our measuring her chess playing ability or our getting its story.

 That same day an anonymous practical joker sent an E-mail to some in the Greater Jacksonville Chess Community that read. "Don't involve yourself in our research. This could happen to you".