The Hirpi of Chess

 I think we've all met these people before. Whether they're teachers, technicians or opponents for some reason when you know you've done poorly, they invarably add these words to their evaluation,"I've never seen anyone do this so poorly before." or, "No one has ever failed before." or " I've never fired anyone for this before."

 Interestingly when you check with other people they say the same things have been said to them by the same person, about the same exam, game or job.

 It's almost as if these words are programmed to embarrass you to a point that you don't check the results.

Most people don't know they are signature tag lines used by Transformation Ritual Abuse Cult members (TRAC). Some TRAC members may be great chess players.

 Why? Reports have reached us of a study at Lucerne Institute of Psychological Research. Their theory is that punishment results in endorphins used to minimize pain and this combined with the adrenaline effectively open up previously underutilized neural pathways.

 The Lucerne study involved spankings and showed an increase in average IQ by 38% overall. http://www.spankoz.net/spankings_make_you_smarter.htm ( It should be noted some children have written to claim the reports of the study are an internet hoax perpetrated by parents run amuck. Still, no pain, no gain is not a new idea.)

 One of the most dangerous ways of self inflicting pain is by barefoot walking across burning wood but piercing, branding, scarification and tattooing are also common amongst TRAC counter cultures.

With this background, let Anthony Petrafessor tell his story. "I grew up in Naples, Italy but liked to go camping all around our beautiful country. Last month while tenting near Monte Sorrate (North of Rome), it got very cold and my wife and I built a large campfire. We like to play chess outside our tent under the stars at night.

 One night a barefoot backpacker walked up to our camp and watched our game. He kept staring and so I invited him over to play. He calmly walked through the campfire, sat down and started playing.

 I wondered why is he still alive. I thought my game was going well when the stranger said, " If you resign now we can play another game." Well I eventually lost.

 Instead of being gracious he said, "I've never played such a weak player." I felt the anxiety of humiliation and started to sweat. He suddenly got up and walked through the fire again. This time he cast even a bigger shadow. He looked 30 centermeters taller ( about a foot) .

It was as if he was growing and getting stronger from my bad feelings. We played again and this time he won in 25 moves. Then he said, "Some people aren't smart enough for chess. Maybe you should take up tic tac toe."

 I started to notice all the disgusting metal piercing on his face. I then noticed he had tattoos instead of hair on his head. What really bothered me was his jaw seemed larger and his build stronger then earlier, but I smiled because I didn't want to let him know he hurt my feelings or that he was making me dizzy and sweaty.

 My wife asked him not to walk on the campfire because it was frightening her, but to please partake of some dinner. He sat down and ate with us for about an hour.

 After the meal we played again and as the game went on, all I could think of was how bad his feet smelled. Well, the next game I won by going to an early endgame. I thought, "You've just got beaten by the worst player you ever met", but I held that thought, smiled and said I was lucky.

 I won the next game. He stared into my eyes and I said, "I was very lucky". He knocked the pieces over and said this is no way to improve; pain and humiliation makes one improve.

He looked smaller then before. I mentioned he looked cold and weak and could I offer him some socks. I bragged how the love of my life gave me a set of expensive and very warm cashmere socks.

My wife gave me one of those looks like you want that odor on your socks. Since in Italy we are gracious hosts, I went inside to get my socks and made sure to spray the inner side with, a strong foot deodorant Desenex. He put them on thanked me and told me he was a Hiripi.

 For 3 millennium his people would fire walk and ritually abuse themselves. It was done to attain greater powers and intelligence. We played again, he won and said, "Your game is pathetic take back your socks". He got up and walked through the camp fire. He screamed from pain and jumped out of the fire. We took him to the hospital.

 I haven't seen him since but do you have any idea how I can contact this group to learn their technique. Did my smile or friendliness make him lose some of his powers?.

Our editor Brad Zang did allow a minor investigation.

Here are some of our conclusions. Some have theorized that certain genetic mutations handed down from family members produce sweaty smelly feet called skunk feet.

 It was probably developed to ward off animals. Anyway skunk feet may generate an insulating layer of water vapor called Leidenfrost, preventing burning.

1) The Hiripi are mentioned in the Roman Record as fire walkers, preists and ritual abusers in Falisci (Roman Provence near Rome). They were actually exempt from military service by the Roman Senate. Either because they were believed to have special powers or they smelled so bad that other Roman legionnaires didn't want to sleep near them.

 2) We have heard stories about Hiripi of Chess operating out of Tattoo Parlors. Some of these TRAC cults even try and get church tax status for their Tattoo Parlors.

3) We can't believe people get taller or special powers from disciplines that involve humiliation and pain. Or power from the people they humiliate.

4) We did discover that the Desenex you used in the socks also has strong antiperspirant salts that absorb water. It probably got on his feet causing them to stop sweating eliminating the insulating water vapor barrier protecting his feet. So he burned his feet.

 Your kindness gave him a hot foot, but keep smiling anyway.